20 Endings I DON'T want to see on Lost

I blame LOST for most of my headaches. But the mystery is over tonight.

So, this is a list of 20 endings I definitely don't wanna see on the show.


1. Just as Jack and the Losties confront the evil Man in Black for the last time, the camera zooms out from the island to reveal it is actually a structure inside a snow globe belonging to an autistic child who has imagined this entire saga.

2. Sawyer, Jack, Kate and Hurley wake up on a space shuttle to Mars that is controlled by someone named Major Tom. We find out that the adventures on the island was a VR program meant to entertain them during their long voyage and a glitch in the program caused events to happen out of order and, in some cases, created a contradictory "sideways reality" program. "J.A.C.O.B." ("Just A Computer Obsessed with Backgammon") is revealed to be the ship's A.I. computer, guiding them to their new life on Mars.

3. The Man in Black is defeated and Jack remains on the island while everyone else goes home. But the very next morning, Desmond arrives in a time traveling Dharma bus and tells Sawyer and Kate that if they don't come with him into the future, their kids are all gonna wind up in prison. This trip into the future leads to the creation of yet ANOTHER sideways reality, except in this one all the Lost characters are in a sitcom version of their lives where people call Sawyer "Skipper", Bernard is able to make radio sets out of coconuts, and Charlie seems to wear the same red shirt and hat every day. Meanwhile, Ben gets the crap kicked out of him.

4. Jack saves the day and goes to sleep in Jacob's cabin. He wakes up to find himself once again as "Charlie" on the set of "Party of Five." Lacey Chabert walks in and asks Charlie if he's okay and Charlie explains he just had the WEIRDEST dream.

5. The big light at the Heart of the Island is some weird time distortion called the Nexus. Jack falls in and is lost for a while, only to return from seeming death years later just in time to die unheroically when the bridge he's standing on collapses. Fortunately, before dying, Jack kicks the crap out of Ben. Again.

6. Steve Rogers and Nick Fury return and team-up to kick the Man in Black's ass.

7. Sawyer finds out the Man in Black's real name is "Rosebud", thus explaining why he was so angry as a child and never liked to be called by his name. Interestingly, he never learned how to sled. After learning this, Sawyer comes up with various embarrassing nicknames for the Man in Black, shaming him into submission. In order to regain some sense of self-wroth, the Man in Black kicks the crap out of Ben.


8. The island is really a somewhat damaged TARDIS belonging to Desmond, who is a lost Time Lord. Desmond amazes us with incredible feats of heroism before deciding he will explore the multiverse with his family, Hurley, Jack, Claire, Sawyer and a parallel universe version of Juliet. Ben grows an intimidating beard and goes off in his own TARDIS, determined to become Master of all he surveys. Hilarity and awesomeness ensue.

9. Kate has a vision of Charlie playing the piano and then realizes that the notes of "You All, Everybody" are the coordinates that will lead them back home. Also, there's something about an opera house.

10. The great light at the Heart of the Island is actually a big reality crystal that Superboy-Prime keeps punching, thus causing contradicting plot points and creating flashbacks and sideways realities that don't actually pay off. Jack stops Superboy-Prime and punches the reality crystal himself, causing the entire series to reboot back to the pilot episode, with Jack only vaguely aware that he's lived through these events already as he wakes up on the island.

11. Richard Alpert, Jack and Ben of Earth-1 save the world but must now exile themselves and the island to a "paradise dimension" as the sideways reality becomes the new, true world.


12. The Man in Black turns into smoke and then attacks the camera, leading to ten seconds of black while Charlie's ghost sings "Don't Stop Believing."

13. Jack is able to defeat the Man in Black in a very anti-climatic, two second battle thanks to faulty magic wands and an overly-complicated plan by Dumbledore that relied on repeatedly saying that love is the strongest force of all.

14. The Man in Black is defeated but then Number 6 appears and steals the plane. He takes off, hoping to leave the island, but is defeated by a strangely intimidating weather balloon that seems to be alive. Out of frustration, Sawyer beats the crap out of Ben.

15. At the last moment, Kate turns to the camera and says "Computer, shut down program" and the holodeck is revealed to us.

16. The Man in Black is actually a vampire who took the whole turning into mist deal to a new level. He escapes the island but is then depressed to learn that vampires are no longer considered frightening due to the success of "Twilight." To help deal with this, he blows up Forks, Washington and then beats the crap out of Ben.

17. The light at the heart of the island is really the hammer of Thor. And Hurley is able to lift it. Aw, yeah!

18. After Jack defeats the Man in Black, Sawyer journeys to a "forbidden" part of the island and finds the head and raised hand of the Statue of Liberty lying on a beach. He screams for a few minutes before realizing this is just some replica the Dharma people built to freak people out. Those crazy Dharma people.

19. It's the Matrix. Duh.

20. The day is saved. Sacrifices are made. Ben is beaten up. Sawyer, Hurley, Claire, Miles and Kate all get onto the plane with Lapidus (who turns out to be alive) and he flies them off the island. As they look down, Jack has arranged stones on the island to read "Good Bye."